I'm sayin..... well I'll let that be,
I talk about a lotta shit but never speak about me.
So.... here's a better description,
A nigga since day one been terrified of commitment.
Hoop dreams snatched away cause I clouded my own vision,
Then a product of bein scammed by public school systems.
Middle school dumbass a real young misogynist,
And only could imagine a real girl massagin this.
Got to high school I was in corn ball recovery,
Had to thank god a couple good people discovered me.
Justice, Malik, Bliss, Issi,
All potential superstars that I could see on tv.
What motivated me now didnt motivate me then,
Cause if I had real a plan I wouldn't be here to begin.
I had the world in my palm but i felt self conscious,
I felt over privileged so I never pursued honors.
All the knowledge in the world but I wanna be wit my people,
So if that meant hidin my potential I was gonna make us equal.
And even that didnt work I just made my life tough,
On top of bein too dark and not bein black enough.
Mentally this shit has always really fucked me up,
I never viewed myself as great i only made it to the cusp.
And as some of you can imagine that kinda tainted my trust,
Cause if I cant trust me then who the hell ima trust.
Envisioned since a child that I'd be a Duke scholar,
Just to be a letdown when i finally got in college.
Met someone back then who is to remain nameless,
Not cause I'm ashamed but because it wasnt painless.
Did a lotta toxic shit like a nigga brainless,
But that was how I saw love and didnt see why to change it.
Said a lotta stupid shit did a lotta great shit,
Some attributes I gave her other tendencies she came wit.
Do I have any regrets? Nigga I got plenty,
Women say niggas ain't shit and I added to the many.
No I never cheated and nah I wasn't abusive,
But I could've been mentally and that's one of MY conclusions.
Now the one I'm wit is like the woman of my dreams,
She remains teachable but innocent as can be.
And as egotistical as that statement sounds,
Yall would never guess how much shit she's taught me.
Theres only one problem and that's me,
The image I've always seen of love cant let this be.
Like how sick am I... I'm not well rested,
I could be on disability if a nigga got tested.
When we're around each other my mind roams dreadfully,
Thoughts of dad loanin money but never wanna invest in me.
Moms tellin stories of how she wanted the best for me,
Havin dreams of my girl bein with the nigga that molested me.
Then the next dream is me bein unfaithful,
It results into me waking up feelin ungrateful.
All the beautiful qualities that most niggas would die for,
And we gettin into arguments why the fuck you make her cry for?
Hidin little truths from me I'm like what you got to lie for,
I point the finger to myself because I see that I'm coarse.
I try to do the impossible to seek my own satisfaction,
Gettin angry not makin whole numbers outta improper fractions.
Gettin angry at repetition bringin overreactions,
Gettin angry at indecisive people having retractions.
Like nigga you keep bringin it on yourself,
So if you dont make a fuckin change you gone need to get some help.
And I dont know who to go to,
My brain feeding me lies like chicken flavor on tofu.
Remindin me of the times when I first got to know you,
But not givin you a fair chance to evolve from the old you.
My arrogance assumed that you can upgrade from my presence,
Even though you have I'm not a period to your sentence.
I realize it's been a problem and I been blocking your blessings,
And I been blockin mine too from seein your true ascension.
Fast forward a couple years and I done grown so much,
So much so my feet no longer fit the shoes I loved.
I'm single again runnin round since I got cheated on,
Only lookin for friends cause I'm faithful to these beats I'm on.
Hurtin feelings killin hope receding like vegeta dome,
Hoping that they understand my dick sayin you know they won't.
(Sigh)
I know they wont...
Who I've become as a man is what they admire and cant stand,
Everyone around me growin my father's a new man.
My mother got different plans my sisters havin premonitions,
We as a family movin as a new clan.
And still....
We riiigghhhttt herrrreee